The cost of these Scott Frost-themed Nebraska fireworks are worth every precious penny, all 1,631 of them, in fact.

I have never wanted to use $16.31 on something so unsafe and explosive as I do right now on these perfectly-priced Scott Frost-themed Nebraska fireworks for Fourth of July weekend.

Sickos Committee, you have my undivided attention! Thank you for bringing this to the masses!

For only $16.31, you can put something incredibly mediocre out into the universe over Fourth of July weekend. I'm not talking about the hockey-pucked burgers you burn to a crisp, Dawg. I am talking about getting all Big Red when it comes to celebrating the Red, White and Blue, baby! With the purchase of Frost Warning fireworks, there are no safety instructions, nothin' but a good time.

I would so blow off both of my hands if I came across an armory of these contraptions. If our dear friend JPP can win a second Super Bowl with one good hand, just imagine the articles I could write with my forehead by slamming it onto a keyboard. Nose knows best! Either way, I think a self-induced, perpetually-concussed state of mind is far better than what Frost put Nebraska through.

If you see me between now and July 4, do everything in your power to keep me out of Nebraska.

I will do a lot of things for love, but you better believe me when I say I will do a lot for … $16.31!

$16.31 is the perfect amount to pay for Scott Frost-themed Nebraska fireworks

Look. If I have to eat day-old Cinnabons every day for breakfast while watching Big Bang Theory re-runs to bring Nebraska football back, you had me at Wishbone. I want Warren Buffett's alma mater to be good at football one last time before the greatest investor of our lives dies. He'll keep putting money into the market like I'll be shoveling congealed glazed goodness down my throat.

Let's be real. If you want to get mangled this Fourth of July weekend, don't drive and don't partake in these particular fireworks if you've knocked back a few tall boys. His famous last words were "Watch this!" Don't act like you're not impressed. Fingers don't grow on trees like corn does on stalks. You only get 10, which is one more than cats get lives, so just remember that, y'all.

For now, we can only hope that Matt Rhule does a better job of cleaning up in Lincoln than he does a pair of Grand Slams in a Queen City Denny's. The only person feeling the heat more in Charlotte these days is the bad owner of the Hornets. Some things are more important than Michael Jordan, including being Michael Jordan. F**k them kids, f**k them picks and f*****g have a good time, man!

Even if you JPP your hand this weekend, you will still have more fingers than Nebraska will have wins this season. Remember, it is not a one-year fix for Rhule during his reign running a program.