The Atlanta Braves' infield certainly made baseball very fun this week, while the Los Angeles Angels have lost their heads and have no place to hang their halos no more, bruh!
Making sense of all the nonsense baseball gave us this week through pop culture references!
It's hot as s**t outside, but hey, we still gotta make baseball fun this week, anywho…
Even though we will be deprived of baseball games that count here in a few days, we just celebrated America's birthday the other day. Let's be real. Everything that happened before July 4, 1776 was a mistake. While we all have the toes that we have, some people like Ron F*****g Swanson have as many as an MLB game has innings. Did you eat your red tube meat on the 4th?
My boss HATES tube meat more than Peter King hates watching people eat hotdogs. For some people, Joey Chestnut is an American icon. To King, he is the epitome of gluttony. Truth be told, I want to grow up to be that grandpa who ate seven f*****g hot dogs on Labor Day, but I want people to talk to me again, so I will refrain from soiling myself. I am living the American Dream!
But it was all a dream! I didn't use to read Word Up! magazine, mostly because I don't know where to find a copy. It's all good, baby, bay-bay! Or that was the case until I saw the internet turn Bill Hader into a meme, just like that hot dog suit guy. Like Bill Hader, most people don't know what his name is, but Alan all, it's all the same! His sweet dance moves do Hypnotize me, Biggie!
I don't know when the next time I'm going, going, back, back to Cali, Cali will be, but Mo Money Mo Problems should be the tagline for the Los Angeles Angels. As for the Atlanta Braves, we're going to need a golden calculator to divide how many times Alex Anthopoulos got the best of baseball. I know I'd like to thank our s**t don't stank, but let's be real. Our Roses smell like roses!
May the segments not burn your skin like the Big Hard Sun or blow your hands off like a Firework!
These segments are hotter than Hansel right now, to be totally honest, bruh!
- But what about the fans???
- Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
- Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale!
- The Dude of the Week, man
But what about the fans???: I don't think you should leave. In fact, let the hot dog suit guy throw out all the first pitches for the Detroit Tigers for the rest of time!
Look. I'm gonna be totally honest with y'all. I don't watch a lot of TV, but when a dude becomes a meme because he's wearing a hot dog suit, you have my undivided attention, good sir! Are Tim Robinson and Joey Chestnut one and the same? I mean, we are clearly living in a simulation, so it wouldn't shock me in the slightest. While else would the Detroit Tigers field a lineup like this one?
Clearly, skipper A.J. Hinch was too busy getting Hot and Readys to actually name his players, aight.
Until the Tigers are good again, they should be Major League Baseball's test market of sorts. The Columbus, Ohio of the big leagues, if you will. May the Tigers embrace all the weirdness of minor-league ball, from sunrise to sundown. I mean, they are ones with Hockeytown. Even if the Red Wings are just as sorry as they are, it doesn't mean we can't get loaded on hot dogs and light beer.
When you fill out a lineup card that looks like my itinerary before I go and spend an ungodly amount of money at Publix, you have my respect. The only way this lineup card could have been filled out better is if Key and Peele were in charge of it. The biggest question is would Fudge be stationary over at first base or saddled behind the plate? Hingle McCringleberry is in shambles…
Quackadilly Blip is to burgers as Coznesster Smiff is to fries. But what about is to Bismo Funyuns?
Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale! | The Dude of the Week, man
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: The St. Louis Cardinals have procured a got dang hamburger phone because they're going East Jesus Nowhere!
As it turns out, all the St. Louis Cardinals needed to no longer be the worst thing to come out of that town since it food takes was a got dang hamburger phone. Nobody has landlines anymore, but I 1000 percent believe they are coming back en vogue like vinyl and typewriters. Truth be told, you don't need a lousy skipper to go East Jesus Nowhere. You only need a Juno hamburger phone!
You better believe that I am so going to call you collect if I can get my hands on that widget device.
Juno was about a lot of things, but it was mostly about hanging out with Michael and George Michael Bluth. Watch out for hop-ons! Yeah… definitely… that's what got us into the most awkward predicament cinema has created in my adult lifetime. This was before Peter Klaven's dad was hanging out with Hank Mardukas, back when Jim Lahey was still the liquor, Treena!
But like Seth and Evan and Fogel, to some extent (chicka, chicka, yeah!), you are the life of the party with your Goldschläger and High Lifes being toted around in glorified Tide pod vats. You are the sexy hamburger, the Irish R&B singer. We are McLovin it! Just wait until Officer Slater shows up in your living room to dance. Will he be doing the luau or will he float away into space with Liz?
We know what Jimmy's brother, the singer's follow up to These Eyes would have been: Makeba!
But what about the fans??? | The Dude of the Week, man
Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale!: It's hard to believe in the City of Angels when all of your pets' heads are falling off at the same time!
Look. I am way to stupid to know what a hamate bone is, so I'm just going to say Mike Trout broke his hambone. You're killing me, Smalls… There is a reason why Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez didn't wear a Halos hat in The Sandlot. The Angels were like, a year old back in 1962. JFK was still alive. The age of innocence where pre-60s Betram could take some chaw to the fair as a 12-year-old.
Well, chaw on this, bro! The Angels are more Broken than Seether and Petey the Parakeet's head.
Sometimes, you can't fight the Seether, not even if you are a rotten egg per Willy Wonka, baby!
Not even Veruca Sweetheart could fix the Charlie Buckets of the AL West. They have a golden ticket in Shohei Ohtani, as well as a Grandpa Joe in Trout. Too bad Anthony Rendon is straight-up chilling in the bed like Grandpa Georgia, Grandma Georgina and Grandma Josephine! Let's be real. A lot of people have long pinky nails like Grandpa Joe Jack Albertson living over in L.A. these days…
With nails like that, you will give up forever to Touch Me. I just want you to know who I am. I'm Dr. Evil! Yeah, baby! Right… I didn't spend seven years at an evil medical school to lead the No. 2 team in town. Who does No. 2 work for? Apparently, Arte Moreno still, but I haven't seen a billionaire waste money quite like him to not win games since Arthur Blank does every fall Sunday.
It's a Hard Knock Life for Angels and Falcons fans out there. Lonely as I am, together we cry?
But what about the fans??? | Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
The Dude of the Week, man: The Atlanta Braves' starting infield is the 2014-15 Atlanta Hawks' starting five, you know, that one that was collectively the Player of the Month in January 2015
Hate me or hate me, it was a June to remember in The ATL, alright. For roughly 33 years of my life, I strove to make my parents proud. Mixed reviews in that department, so Dude may have to change his focus. I want to make Ron Washington proud. I have been practicing my Hand Dance, but it just looks like spirit fingers, but Bring It On anyway! The Atlanta Braves are just too good…
The last time Atlanta put five on it, Jeff Teague, Kyle Korver, DeMarre Carroll, Paul Millsap and Al Horford were named the NBA's Player of the Month in January 2015 because the Atlanta Hawks will forever be so got dam anonymous. Nothing Easy! Nothing ever is. No? 2015 was such a Blur!
The are more Braves All-Stars in the infield than Angels in the Outfield. I don't know what dimension precursor Rick Sanchez sent us into, but hopefully it's the one where Charlie Kelly gets to enjoy his spaghetti before the luau. Hawaiian triphop is not the Seattle Sound, but I will mumble scream into a microphone in my finest of flanels if you think it would make Wash proud.
I mean, outside of Eddie Vedder, everybody who I loved and did that of note is dead. I can't bring them back, just like I can't bring myself to believe the Seattle Mariners will ever go to the World Series. To be honest, we have a better chance of seeing Sean Murphy, Matt Olson, Ozzie Albies, Orlando Arcia and Austin Riley play for the National League at the same time than that happening.
The Sound of Settling is what comes out of your mouth through your Crooked Teeth during a sigh.
But what about the fans??? | Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale!