It is summer, the Cincinnati Reds have never been hotter and Marcus Stroman is straight up carrying the dead and bloated Chicago Cubs to semi-mediocre relevancy.
I don't know, or really care, if the NL Central is good, but is sure is fascinating and has my divided attention, thanks to the Cincinnati Reds and Chicago Cubs ace pitcher Marcus Stroman.
Most of the time when I think of the NL Central, I think about day drinking, getting sunburnt and not winning championships for the better part of a decade now. The Cubs did win that one in 2016, but I also saw the Atlanta Falcons blow a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl that same year. I sure love showing up to parties in my high school letterman's jacket, but I don't go to parties anymore…
But you know what? You don't need a letterman's jacket, a GED, or even a shirt, to enjoy MGD's well before 5 o'clock over in the NL Central. They love drinking so much over there that they named a team after it! Another team plays in a stadium named after suds. And then there is the Pittsburgh Pirates. After seeing Jack Sparrow at his absolute apex, they drink rum like it is water.
Then again, it is summer. If you want it to be a Summer of Love, or your Summer of '69, you need to find your Summertime Lover (Get up! Get up! Get up!). Time Won't Let Me Go back to a simpler era. 2019 hit differently. I was still in my 20s, pomading my hair on the reg. My teams still hadn't won anything. Twitter wasn't a disaster, as I was capable of getting 300 Likes. I probably peaked.
The good news is if even if the NL Central has already peaked, you can wash it down with a Bud.
Give me one chance and I'll treat you like a princess! Oh, Mr. Mallory Pugh would so love that!!!
It's summer now, baby, and these delicious segments are only getting spicier!
This. Is. Florida. Baseball!: "Black-Eyed" Pete Fairbanks punches the clock with a gnarly shiner on his face in extreme Florida Man fashion
If it hadn't been for Black-Eyed Pete, we'd be married a long time ago. Where did it come from? Where did it go? Where did it come from, Black-Eyed Pete?! Well apparently, he was too busy dunking on his three-year-old in a pool on a basketball goal. It is one of the important life lessons you learn along the way in becoming a Florida Man. At least he didn't spike the bride in the face…
I haven't seen a champion rock a shiner as gloriously at Jan Wolfhouse did throughout Beerfest.
(Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath?)
Beerfest may not have taken place in Florida, but Under the Bridge Barry Badrinath is a mood to say the least. His line of work is not safe for work, but that is kind of what the entire Florida economy is based on, right? I mean, technically, it is tourism, but Tampa is a place where you can pay a dollar to look at it. For right around around a dollar, you can watch the Tampa Bay Rays play!
While I don't necessarily want them to win the World Series because my beloved Atlanta Braves are really good this year too, we need to keep the Fairbanks Shiner going like it is the Alaska Pipeline. Nome is where you make it. While Juno doesn't know, it is probably closer to East Jesus Nowhere than you would think. Just dial it up on the ole hamburger phone to get the deets, man.
Only in Florida can you show up to work with a shiner, a hickey and a cigarette burn and get paid.
So this is a thing now?! | The Dude of the Week, man
Just a bit outside…: Jordan Romano is 1000 percent the Canadian version of Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn
I don't know if Hollywood can remake the cinematic classic Major League for … let's just say … reasons pertinent to the politically correct. However, we know who a finalist will be for the equivalent role of Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn. I mean, it is going to be Spencer Strider, as I am Team Stache N Gas for life, but Jordan Romano certainly has a look to him north of the border, eh?
I don't know if he's living that Mike Vrabel double-horseshoed life, but I want nothing else to get me through this Semi-Charmed Kind of Life than the best thing to happen to Canada since arguably Rush. Today's Tom Sawyer he gets high on you and the space he invades, he gets by on you. No, I don't have to lick your bass, to let you know that I'm living the high life Limelight, mon!
There are Tevins and Jobins abound in this world, but when you see a dude who looks like a dude, man, you just need to buckle up and accept excellence. I don't wanna waste my time and become another casualty of society. When you are rocking a Fat Lip Vrabes and The Ohio Company are mad jealous of, it Makes No Difference to me what side of the border you happen to play ball on.
When you look like the Working Man who lived next to Peter Gibbons, I'd tell you what I'd do…
This. Is. Florida. Baseball! | The Dude of the Week, man
So this is a thing now?! The Cincinnati Reds are fricking hotter than Hansel now
All it takes is one look to be an international success story. It wasn't that long ago that the only enjoyable thing about Cincinnati Reds games was the chance somebody would try to take a dump in the Toyota Tundra truck bed proudly displayed beyond the Great American Ball Park outfield wall. Well, these Reds go to 11. They are leading the drunk NL Central, and Cincinnati is loving it!
They are so hot right now that bus driver Joey "Hansel" Votto doesn't have to wear his seatbelt!
The Bearcats are going Power Five, the Bengals have an indoor practice facility because of Joe Burrow and the Reds are winning walk-offs in front of the late, great iconic David Bowie. If cool dude Billy Zane is impressed, then I'm impressed. But are you cool enough to tell Stranger Things prop Will Byers' mom that you are really enjoying the conversation but you really have to go pee?
As Veronica Sawyer smokes, and Mr. Robot blows things up, all I have to say about how the Reds are doing is Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! It's like being Longfellow Deeds and finding out you are the distant nephew of one Preston Blake. Although Votto won't let you change his socks, because nobody f***s with the Canadian Jesus, all he needs is his Ron Weasley wig to get going.
Apparently, spending a week at a day spa (D-A-I-Y-E, DAIYE!) was exactly what the Reds needed.
This. Is. Florida. Baseball! | Just a bit outside…
The Dude of the Week, man: Marcus Stroman is doing more for the Chicago Cubs than Henry Rowengartner did back in 1993, to be totally honest
We weren't expecting y'all either. It's so easy to fall in love with the Lovable Losers known as the Chicago Cubs. Oh, they won that World Series that one time, but it's been a lot of Tobias Fünke "oh my god! We're having a fire … sale"s at the Friendly Confines of late. Forever epitomizing the win or lose, we still booze mantra, the North Siders may actually have another ace on their hands…
I do know what the following numbers mean, but is Marcus Stroman the best thing to happen to the Cubs since Henry Rowengartner toed the rubber in '93 with John Candy in the booth, Brickma in a cage and Sgt. Drake Sabitch in the rotation?
I have only one response to this: Let the big dog eat!!!
I may like hats for my bats, flapping my wings or quite frankly, a little chaw action at the ole amusement park, but instead of getting really into the 60s and no one ever seeing me again, I'm going to get really into this Dookie, baby! I may be a total Basket Case, but When I Come Around on the Cubs, you know it is Anastasia Pulling Teeth for me to admit that, as I scream in silence…
Not even Tara Reid's high school boyfriend can stop me from admitting Stroman is the finest thing in Chicagoland. Nadia is in shambles, as I am desperately looking to find Van Wilder's phone to call her and tell her it'll be okay. Stroman is not a band geek, you better believe Jim's dad is damn proud of him! The Cubs were up Schitt's Creek without a paddle until Stroman saved them.
Sadly, I don't think Stroman will be sticking around Wrigley like he would have at Coolidge College.
This. Is. Florida. Baseball! | Just a bit outside… | So this is a thing now?!