MLB fans are wondering if Shohei Ohtani likes 90s music, in addition to salty snacks, or if he has even heard of Zach or Seth Galifianakis…
What made baseball fun this week resides in Los Angeles, the Southeast and of course, the Midwest.
We are almost to Memorial Day, which means we have got some memories to make, Dawg. It has been engrained in MLB fans' memories what time to tune into the local RSN to watch your favorite team win, lose and definitely not draw, because tying is the most un-American thing ever devised since the metric system. Why Change when you can keep doing you, like Marcell Ozuna?
It doesn't take a Blind Melon to see that there is No Rain inside of Floridian domes, soon-to-be-condemned Milwaukee palaces and largely Los Angeles. But Don't Cry when it rains in L.A., and please don't use your illusion, bro. It may be hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain, but hey little thing, let me light your candle 'cause, mama, I'm sure Hard to Handle now, gets around.
This week, baseball was mostly about All-Beef Teams, billionaire steaks, Funyuns and a bicoastal batter's box feuds. Who doesn't love that? It was a little salty this past week, whether that be the pettiness, or the discharge that seems to come out of Freddie Freeman's eyes when he nears the Chattahoochee. It's Simple, Jack. Just don't ask Tug Speedman to make his eyes rain again for us.
Without further ado, let's get this thing poppin' like Danny McBride controlling a fireworks show!
You're just going to have to trust me that this week's segments are absolute fire!
- Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
- This. Is. Florida. Baseball!
- Look good, feel good, play good
- The Dude of the Week, man
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: Rowdy Tellez, welcome to the All-Beef Team, baby!
Do you know The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man! You better believe Rowdy Tellez sure does. As a card-carrying member of the All-Beef Team, The Muffin Man is clearly the alias for Miguel Jordan. It's about being the best looking man from the ankles down. Herm Edwards would most certainly attest to this because you play to win the game. Hello?! Watch out. He'll punch you!
As a once-husky No. 11 first baseman from the suburbs, Tellez's hot mic'd shenanigans resonate with me more than they probably should. With the confidence to get all the meats you can at an Arby's drive-thru, we can only hope he bleeds blood that looks and tastes like the most perfect concoction of Arby's and Horsey Sauce. Sir, is this an Arby's? No, this is American Family Field!
Let's not get too rowdy about Rowdy. We can't hire Da Maniac to do stunts for us during the seventh inning stretch anymore. He and The Gang had a falling out, among other things… While Rowdy Roddy White ain't walking through that door, let's just hope the co-captains of the All-Beef Team deliver us the goods. I will eat my body weight in red meat if it means I can be a champion.
When he's a-walkin', Tellez struts his stuff and he's so strung out after knowing The Muffin Man.
Look good, feel good, play good | The Dude of the Week, man
This. Is. Florida. Baseball!: Florida man takes Steve Cohen's seat and eats his steak, bro!
Why eat the rich when you can eat the rich's food? That is exactly what this one Florida Man did at a Tampa Bay Rays game. Hashtag blessed with a Floridian public school education and a new Trop employee being the suite's gatekeeper, you too can enjoy a delicious meal featuring Steve Cohen's steak! The New York Mets' owner wastes so much money anyway, so what is one steak dinner?
I love everything about this. While I don't have another kidney to put on ice to fund my upcoming trip to Randyland, I would most certainly enjoy eating the food provided at a rich dad's wedding. Why have a Big Fat Greek Wedding, when you can have a Rich Dad Mets Wedding? Will Secretary Cleary be there? What about Todd? I gotta figure out how this maple syrup conglomerate works…
Oh, wow! I can't believe this actually worked for this Florida Man! Usually when you Florida Man it, you don't really recover from that. But instead of driving a John Deere tractor there and back on I-10, you can have your cake and eat it too, so long as you cheer for the Rays and have a wristband. Fake it 'till you make it? Either way, Grandpa just had seven hot dogs, and it's not even Labor Day!
This Story of a Lonely Guy just got even better when he went on and on with Reckless Abandon.
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | The Dude of the Week, man
Look good, feel good, play good: Shohei Ohtani is more about Funyuns than he is about Fugees
Ready or not. Here he comes. You can't hide. Shohei Ohtani is going to find him some Funyuns and take them slowly to the back of the bus for his sole consumption. That one Fugees song hits so hard, but does it hit as hard as the other one? You know, the one Zach and Seth Galifianakis used to listen to way back in the day that had Brian "The Lawyer" Unger in complete and utter stitches?
I don't pay attention to the Los Angeles Angels, but I would guess they are about Fugees and Funyuns. What if I told you Mike Trout named his Dawg Funyuns because he likes to eat Funyuns over at Everfair Terrace? A boy can only dream when he let's the Dawgs out. Are you ready to let the Dawgs out? Is this the real Caesar's Palace, the one that has a majestic wall of pay phones?
As someone who has never been to Las Vegas before, I can assure you Fugees and Funyuns are not the worst cure for a Hangover I have heard. It might take a taser or two to the dome to get me back in the race, but it's all about finding our best friend Doug and giving our friend a best friend hug. What do Detroit Tigers dream of? 1984, Electric Sheep. Come one, come all into 1984!
The best part is you don't have to put the Ohtani/Trout talk show on mute because they don't talk!
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | This. Is. Florida. Baseball!
The Dude of the Week, man: The Marcell Ozuna vs. Will Smith rivalry sustains me
As it turns out, when you slap Chris Rock in the face, there are consequences. And the Academy Award for the Best Backswing goes to … Marcell Ozuna of the Atlanta Braves! He was running unopposed, as opposed to being opposed by pretty much everyone else in Atlanta, but Big Willie Style's all in it, so get jiggy wit it! (Na na na na na na na!, Na na na na na na!) Gettin' Jiggy Wit It!
Ozuna's rivalry with Will Smith packs more pop than Ali or that movie where he played The Williams Sisters' dad. Here come The Men in Black behind the plate to not tell Smith he's standing too close to Ozuna. It's too late to Apologize. In this OneRepublic, you Stop and Stare at the long ball you parked off The Cat Man, a blast as epic as Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day…
I know that Dan Mullen's Cousin Eddie took one for the team back in '96, but we wouldn't be here otherwise. Who doesn't love a good rivalry? Hatfields vs. McCoys. Humans vs. Aliens. Braves vs. Dodgers. The latter may have put Don Sutton in a very awkward spot, but he's with Cousin Eddie now. Even if the s*****r's full, Clark Griswold has a pool to build, not like the one blink-182 built…
It's been less than One Week since Will Smith cocked his head to the side and said he's angry.
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | This. Is. Florida. Baseball! | Look good, feel good, play good