Birds may not be real, but Zac Gallen is a snake who just did something 22 years in the making.
You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, but what do we do when we can't watch the Discovery Channel? We can watch MLB stars like Zac Gallen share this lonely view with the birds.
The Scar Tissue that we wish we saw in the Oakland Coliseum outfield was a bit of a bummer, man, just like the baseball team they are losing to Las Vegas… There goes one less fan, and more set of eyes, that could have been there to see the A's lose another game to another team. But you know what? Love is blind, just like birds aren't real. You can believe in whatever you freaking want.
So the next time you're chilling in the parking lot of an In-N-Out, a Chick-fil-A or a Runza, take a look at the power lines, probably dangling above you. While you're getting something terrible and delicious made fast for you, just know the government is watching you at all times, and you know where the power lies: The power lines! In the 11th hour, we'll Journey to the End of the East Bay.
As we tinfoil hat it, because who doesn't love a good conspiracy theory?, just remember that we have a Big Unit on our side in the never-ending battle vs. those awful cyborgs. I mean, we are so screwed anyway, because we've asked our favorite wiretap Alexa if cats can have pancakes, as well as give our social security numbers, mother's maiden names and 401k login info to ChatGPT.
That said, the last time a snake exploded a bird, Arizona won a chip, so wager a Big Unit on that!
What's on tap for rampant Buhler shenanigans this week, Dawg?!
- But what about the fans???
- You're killing me, Smalls…
- I don't believe what I just saw!
- The Dude of the Week, man
But what about the fans???: Yeah, dude! Steve-O brought the heat at a San Diego Padres game, alright
Even though my Atlanta Braves have trouble with them, I like the fact that the San Diego Padres are good, but I love the fact that they are so damn interesting. I dig the fact that Tom DeLonge will sit in the lower levels of Petco Park with no regret right now, as he sees how all of sunny San Diego appreciates All the Small Things in life … well, until one of them forgets their age again?
Then, there's f*****g Steve-O…
Yeah, dude!
From the man who wrecked his body for you, I present to you The First Pitch of Death. Steve-O was packing more heat than all the French's mustard the entire Vol Navy could ever hope to carry off the docks of the Tennessee River. Like Lane Kiffin, Steve-O totally knows a few party tricks he can do with a golf ball, too. This Jackass remains as awesome as his epic thumbs-up back tattoo.
The only way this could have gotten better is if the Wildboyz got to have some fun in a one-off episode at the San Diego Zoo. Would Steve-O and Chris Pontius have jumped into the bear pit like Ron Burgundy for the sake of our entertainment? I have never wanted to see two 48-year-olds in scantly-clad, leopard-printed thongs show us how special of creatures ferocious grizzly bears are.
As long as Steve-O is out there doing Steve-O things, I will believe in all of humanity, but not birds.
I don't believe what I just saw! | The Dude of the Week, man
You're killing me, Smalls…: The Atlanta Braves jerseys are sponsored by Quikrete, but not Waffle House…
I understand that you gotta put bread on the table and you've gotta a mouth to feed, but you're killing me, Atlanta Braves… I hope Quikrete paid you more money than Alex Anthopoulos was ever willing to give Freddie Freeman and Dansby Swanson combined. If this is buyout money for the Marcell Ozuna contract, it's too little, too late, as persona non grata is actually playing well of late.
We knew that a jersey sponsorship patch was coming because this is a well-run organization. However, that Quikrete patch is the antithesis of scattered, smothered and covered. Bill Plaschke is in utter shambles right now. Had this have been a Waffle House patch, I would have purchased more Braves home white jerseys than Pat McAfee has ever purchased sleeveless black tanktops.
But how you doin'? Keep it movin'. I'm just happy we're not playing the f*****g Blue Jays anymore. I don't know if I'm feeling Better Now about the Quikrete patches, but it's The World I Know now. Then again, that bright yellow patch does Shine on the white jersey like a bad tattoo you got on spring break inside of a Myrtle Beach strip mall. At least you can take this jersey off before bed…
Sadly, I don't think you can put five WaHo eggs on that Quikrete patch like Brandon Gaudin does.
But what about the fans??? | The Dude of the Week, man
I don't believe what I just saw!: Zac Gallen went Randy Johnson on a poor bird like the Snake he is
You know the old adage of killing two birds with one stone. Looks like the shoe is on the other foot. Look, it's not like Randy Johnson tried to ruffle anyone's feathers some 22 years ago, but Zac Gallen had a little trouble with the curve during warm-ups in Oakland on Wednesday afternoon. This isn't like that sweaty nervous guy in Wanted curving bullets, but we got a direct hit, alright…
Yes, unfortunately, Petey the Parakeet's head fell off. He was old, I know, but this is what happens when you get robbed by a sweet, old lady on a motorized cart. You never see it coming… I don't believe I can see into the future, or birds, but you can probably wager your 401k most nights against the A's. Not since the Raiders and Warriors left have we seen Oakland get faded this badly.
So divine, that bird and the A's' fortune has faded. Sadly, there is no Soul to Squeeze out of that failed avian acrobat, well, because it's a cyborg created by the government to spy on us. Still, My Friends are so depressed by this. Lonely as I am, together we cry. As ownership decides to Give It Away now, we like our baseball spiked with pain when this team leaves for Vegas in an Aeroplane.
By the Way, Gallen tried to say he's sorry, but you Can't Stop when you're addicted to the shindig.
But what about the fans??? | You're killing me, Smalls…
The Dude of the Week, man: Aaron Judge was an Oracular Spectacular vs. the Toronto Blue Jays
Who doesn't love finding someone new to hate? Aaron Judge is a giant human being and a giant thorn in the Toronto Blue Jays' side. With one look more powerful that Blue Steel, Ferrari and Le Tigre, Judge unleashed Magnum on the Jays' dugout, and it was beautiful! It was an Oracular Spectacular, but now is the Time to Pretend that he didn't catch onto the Blue Jays tipping pitches.
So the best part about this is Judge now covers his eyes like he's fighting Medusa when he reaches base. Emotion Sickness be damned, he is shocking the Jays with his bat like an electric eel. With the Electric Feel pulsing through his veins, no lead is safe, Kids. If you have any 6-foot-7 beef with that, you're just gonna have to take it up with MGMT first. Or you can blame Canada. Either way!
Look … I see it, too. There is no facial hair to be found on any of these damn Yankees. I wish these guys could rock a sweet pair of unnecessary sideburns like Martin Brodeur, Roberto Luongo or the Austinite holy triumvirate known as Fastball did in their majestic primes. With Judge in his prime, where is he going without ever knowing The Way? He is covering his face up the entire time, y'all!
Let's just hope he makes it to the fiddle festival, as opposed to the bottom of a Hot Springs ravine.
But what about the fans??? | You're killing me, Smalls… | I don't believe what I just saw!